Donald Trump gave a
campaign speech press conference rambling, weird Ted Talk yesterday at the White House, during which he laid out a lot of things Democrats want to destroy. Most of which use water.
According to Trump, Democrats hate dishwashers. You know, the machine in millions of kitchens all over the country? We hate those. Oh, and dishwashers don’t work. Trump believes every night, Americans load their dishwashers, put the soap in the little drawer thingy, choose a cycle, push the start button, and nothing happens. Americans push the start button again. Nothing happens again. And Trump thinks this is occurring in households all over the country on a daily basis, because Democrats.
It turns out, we also hate showers. No one can take a shower, because Democrats have stolen all the water, and we’re hoarding it somewhere, probably in an energy-saving light bulb. Which we also hate. Yes, Democrats hate light. We read our godless liberal propaganda under the moon.
Trump has waxed philosophical numerous times about how toilets don’t work. Presumably, he’s never used one, or perhaps he employs someone to flush after he’s left the bathroom. Maybe that’s one of Melania’s jobs. Trump honestly believes you have to flush a toilet 10-15 times. Democrats hate toilets. Hand washing. Dishwashers. Showers. Light bulbs.
Oh, and the suburbs.
Donald Trump is telling his base that Joe Biden, evil Commie, is coming for their suburbs. Sorry, quick detour here, but have you seen some of Trump’s base? Those people live in a van down by the river, not in a 4,000 square-foot McMansion on Whispering Magnolia Petals Lane.
Suburbs is code for white, just in case you missed it. And Joe Biden wants to continue an Obama-era policy of desegregating those almost always all-white enclaves where Soccer Mom Karen can pop her one kid and a Goldendoodle into a $95,000 Escalade, drive to Whole Foods, and scream at the staff for making her wear a mask.
Suburbia has always meant white. Suburbs were created, for the most part, so white people in the city who were uncomfortable (racist) with black families living next door could move somewhere whiter. Joe Biden would very much like black people to be able to live wherever the hell they want without fear of having the N word spray-painted on their house, or carved into their car, or open their front door to see a bag of shit on the porch.
Trump does not want black people to be able to live wherever the hell they want, because his base is made of white racist cretins. And the white racist cretins who don’t live in a van down by the river absolutely do not want a nice black family moving into the 4,200 square-foot house next door, thank you very much Grand Dragon Donald.
Donald Trump wants racists to believe HE CAN SAVE THE SUBURBS. From Democrats. From Joe Biden. Trump alone can protect white people from scary black families who want to bring their kids up in a nice neighborhood with a park and a little duck pond. How DARE THEY.
Just wait, Trumpsters, just wait. The day after Joe Biden’s inauguration, hoards of Democrats, armed with spatulas and Phillips head screwdrivers, are coming for you. We’re coming for your dishwashers, your showers, your windows, your light bulbs, and your toilets. We’re going to melt down all your metal appliances and build a monument to Barack Obama.
We’re going to turn your dishwashers into herb gardens. We’re going to buy up all the McMansions and turn them into shelters for the LGBTQ kids you’ve kicked out onto the street. We’ll paint rainbows on everything, fly giant Black Lives Matter flags, and every Sunday, we will throw a fabulous block party, complete with drag queens and Southern-style ribs, and we’re gonna invite every black person who’s ever had the cops called on them for barbecuing or swimming or shopping or walking or driving or sleeping or bird watching.
But we promise not to touch your van down by the river.
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