KHive. The word brushes your cheek like a warm summer breeze, a kiss from your grandma, a soft willow branch dancing on the wind. KHive. A name clouded in mystery, then wrapped in a corn tortilla of riddles, and topped off with a spicy sauce of sass and sarcasm.
Many have tried to join KHive, and many have failed. The induction ceremony is a top-secret ritual that rivals the Masons, Scientologists, and yes, even Young Living. But I am, at great risk to my own personal safety, willing to share how you, yes you, can become a member of KHive.
First, you must apply. The application is on the deep web, and only accessible with a digital key made up of ninety-seven random numbers and letters. In order to receive the key, you have to prove yourself by performing physical tasks, like one hundred pull-ups while hanging from a piece of dried angel hair pasta. Once you complete your assigned task, you are given the ninety-seven digit key, which you only have five seconds to memorize.
You may be asking yourself why it’s so hard just to get to the fucking application. It’s this hard because, according to many people on the internet, KHive has the power to rule the world, change the tides, eliminate disease, and still have time for a nice brunch.
Part two: The application. The application is four hundred and thirteen pages long, and it’s written in English, French, Mandarin Chinese, Aramaic, Sanskrit, and emojis. It should take you about half an hour. Any longer, and you can’t join KHive.
Partie trois: Le serment de fidélité. 您将需要吃活的海豹. Well, the baby seal doesn’t necessarily have to be alive, but we prefer it. And this is just the first step of part three.
The second step of part three is, of course, the tattoo. This tattoo is a bar code on the back of your neck that we use to track your whereabouts twenty-six hours a day. Wherever you go, there we are. Since most tattoo parlors are closed, we will be more than happy to do it ourselves, using a sewing needle and some India ink.
The third step of part three is the the beat down. You will be required to play sixty games of chess against a pigeon, a tiger, a Trump supporter, and Polina Shuvalova. If you lose, you will be blindfolded and dropped into a Trader Joe’s parking lot without a credit card.
The fourth and final step is a recon mission in the dead of night. Queen B herself will give you an intercom, and when your time arrives, she will contact you via said intercom. You must always call her “Queen B” and never Charlie. She gets very annoyed if you call her Charlie, even though at times, the summoning for recon missions is very “Charlie’s Angels”, but just forget that and call her Queen B.
KHive is powerful, KHive is ruthless, KHive devours our enemies in one bite well no we don’t do that because cannibalism is kind of disgusting plus some of us are dealing with a little weight gain during quarantine and who knows if our enemies are even lean meat that’s not covered in the application.
Join us. Join KHive. Or else. No, not or else, never mind, sorry. Look at the bunnies!
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