According to the Book of Revelation, seven things need to happen in order to bring about the Apocalypse. Those seven things are known as the “Seven Seals,” and once those suckers have been broken, all bets are off, the end times are upon us, and we’re all going to die.
The first seal is the coming of the Antichrist. So, Trump. Wearing a white crown and riding a white horse, the Antichrist deceives everyone with promises of peace, but wages war instead. Examples of this include calling black football players “sons of bitches,” calling Mexicans “rapists,” trying numerous times to ban Muslims from the United States, his blatant support of white nationalism, and his daily war against the media.
The second seal is war among the people, despite the promise of peace from the Antichrist. We’ve seen a white woman point a gun at a black family in a parking lot. A white man screaming at a black woman in her car, and another white man in his BMW stalking a black woman driving home from picking up a bag of food for her dog. White “protesters” are burning down buildings and destroying property, then stepping back for black people to be blamed for the destruction.
The third seal is famine. The literal description of famine is dying from lack of food, but in the modern world, we can view famine as dying from lack of leadership. Given that Trump is a malignant narcissist who only cares about himself, he is incapable of leading this country.
The fourth seal is death. Death rides a pale horse, and wipes out a fourth of the world’s population with a sweep of his bony hand using pestilence and plague.
Seals five through seven are pretty unrealistic, so let’s focus on the first four, also known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The white, red, black, and pale horses, ridden by symbols of the end of humanity.
Understand, I don’t believe in end times mythology. I’m pretty sure that John the Elder got into some hinky plants on the island of Patmos, hallucinated for a few days, and when he came to his senses, he’d written the Book of Revelation. But you have to admit, it’s looking more and more like we’ve got some rogue apocalyptic horses roaming around the planet.
Plague. A case of Bubonic plague was reported in Mongolia this morning. China is looking at a new strain of swine flu, we still have COVID-19 tearing through the U.S., and the EU and Canada have closed their borders to us because there are so many selfish twats in this country who refuse to wear a mask, we can’t be trusted not to infect Canada and the entire continent of Europe.
Oh, and a strain of brain-eating amoeba was recently discovered in Florida, and thanks to a very normal man running for Congress, people on Twitter had front row seats to some of the symptoms. KW Miller is a Florida politician who believes, among other things, that Beyoncé is an Italian woman named Ann Marie, and Patti LaBelle works for Satan. He is a QAnon cultist, and he’ll probably get elected because it’s Apocalypse 2020.
War among the people. A black woman-the founder of KHive-has been relentlessly harassed, threatened, and falsely reported on Twitter, for months. This recently culminated in the service of a poorly-worded and misspelled Cease and Desist email from a criminal defense law firm in Miami. Why was a black activist sent a C&D? A white woman who had been blocked by said black activist fifteen minutes after their first “encounter” on Twitter decided to commit fraud and claim that everything she had been doing to a black activist on social media was being done to her.
The white woman also started a GoFundMe because people were mean to her on Twitter. Originally, white woman was asking for $1500, but once she saw how many people were falling for her scam, she raised her price. She now claims she needs an expensive security system to protect her from all the KHive folks who, despite lack of money and a fucking pandemic, are at this very moment traveling to her address that none of us know to murder her.
Famine. The United States is starving for leadership. We need an empathetic, wise, calm hand to guide us through this apocalyptic nightmare, but we have Trump. Tens of million are unemployed, struggling to pay their bills and feed their families, but while we starve, Trump golfs and allows Russia to place bounties on our soldiers.
Death. Oh honey, we are there. Today’s official COVID-19 death count in the U.S. is 129,576, with total cases at over two million. Trump is holding Death Rallies, including a white power gathering at Mount Rushmore a few days ago, and Don Jr.’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, has contracted COVID-19. Everywhere Trump goes, he brings the coronavirus. Maybe he is both the Antichrist and Death. John the Elder’s hallucinogenic experience probably didn’t include anything like Donald Trump.
Are we in the end times? Is it time for those of us who will be left behind when the Rapture comes to get our comfy shoes and tote bags ready for Post-Rapture Shopping? And when we head into empty houses whose owners have been taken up to Heaven body and soul to pick through the Dreamsicle collections and Thomas Kincaide paintings, how will we sell that crap?
Look, just wear a damn mask, leave the Trump Death Cult, and if your perfect candidate isn’t Joe Biden, vote for Joe Biden anyway. Don’t be a selfish prick, because if we all band together, I think we can win this thing.
Provided we survive Apocalypse 2020.